Aftercare is often talked about in the BDSM world—a staple practice following intense scenes, play sessions, or power exchange. But is it really just for kinky people or part of a strong, healthy sex life? Whether you are deep into an impact scene or having loving slow sex aftercare can strengthen intimacy, deepen trust, and connection with your partner. So what is aftercare?

Aftercare refers to the physical, emotional, and psychological care after a sexual or intimate encounter. It’s a time to decompress, reconnect, and tend to any lingering physical or emotional responses that might arise after play. In the BDSM world, aftercare is standard. Why? Scenes often involve power dynamics, intense sensations, or physical stress. These experiences often leave an impact on the mind or body. Even when it was an amazing experience, the body is still experiencing a uforic high. But here’s the thing, even gentle vanilla sex can stir deep emotions. Aftercare helps people land safely from those experiences, no matter how soft or wild they were.

So… do vanilla people need aftercare, too? short answer: yes, long answer: absolutely yes.

Even if you're not into kink or BDSM, sex is still a vulnerable act. You're naked literally and/or emotionally, you're opening yourself up to another person (whether a long-term partner or not), and your body is running on hormones like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. When those levels drop, you can feel.

. Overstimulated

. Emotional or weepy

. Disconnected

. Anxious

. ungrounded

. And many other things too

There's nothing wrong with this; it may even mean you have had an incredible sexual experience. Sometimes things in our personal lives can come out after pleasure, like stress or worries. Aftercare is how we can support each other through comedowns and even strengthen a relationship by affirming “you’re cared for and I'm here”

How aftercare can make your relationship better. It can show you care deeply after the act, not just during. Enhance emotional safety so partners feel more secure opening up / making you both more willing to discuss sex. Which can lead to more exploration and fulfilment in your sex life. Improving communication, especially when checking in 24 hours after, with questions like “are you feeling okay, are you sore, or how did this thing make you feel now you have had some time”. Fostering that deeper intimacy and connection because you’re sharing not just the high but the come down together. It can transform sex if it's starting to feel mechanical or one-and-done. When your partner knows you’re there for the after, not just the during, it builds long-lasting intimacy, whether the sex was slow and loving or hot and chaotic.

Here are a few types of aftercare for all kinds of play, whether you're vanilla, kinky, or somewhere in between.

• Cuddling or holding each other
• Sharing a blanket or getting cosy
• Bring water, snacks, or a warm towel
• Rubbing lotion on sore spots
• Helping a partner get cleaned up

• Whispering affirmations: “You were amazing,” “I loved that,” “Thank you for trusting me.”
• Being silent together in comfortable closeness
• Checking in gently: “How do you feel now?”
• Saying “I’m here” without needing to fix anything

Sometimes, emotions don’t hit until hours or days later.

• Send a sweet text the next morning
• Ask the next day: “Are you still feeling good about everything?”
• Offer reassurance if someone seems distant or unsure

Even after masturbation or solo kink, you deserve aftercare too.

• Wrap yourself in a blanket
• Light a candle or take a bath
• Journal your feelings
• Eat something nourishing

Is aftercare essential or extra? Some people think aftercare is only for "serious kinksters" Let’s reframe that. Aftercare isn’t about hardcore BDSM scenes; it's about strengthening the connection, being there for the person you are with, and/or just being human. You wouldn’t go on a rollercoaster and expect to drive away without a breath and a little time to come down from the adrenaline. That's aftercare.

Next time you’re with someone, try asking:

• “How do you like to come down after sex?”
• “Would you like to cuddle for a bit?”
• “Do you want water, space, or touch right now?”

Offer it. Practice it. Normalise it.

Whether your play is sweet or savage, vanilla or kink, aftercare makes experiences more whole, more connected and just better.

A soft blanket (also available in waterproof for use during play)

A candle or two for chilling together or adding to an aftercare bath.

You're partners' comfort items

The classic water and sweet snacks for boosting hydration and blood sugar levels

You could even have a small notebook and pen to help share affirmations, journal your feelings, or communicate things if it is easier for a partner to write them rather than speak them.

A deck of cards can sometimes be beneficial for a light, playful distraction during cool-down.

Having your toy cleaners to hand for when everything is done and you're ready to clean and put away your toys.

Adding all your things to a bag or basket can be helpful.